


Emperor John Gaius' Dummy Thicc Butt (The Musical)

by ChillyWeirdoInACoffin



Category: The Locked Tomb Trilogy | Gideon the Ninth Series - Tamsyn Muir
Genre: Cannibalism, Decapitation, Gideon the Ninth Spoilers (Locked Tomb Trilogy), Harrow the Ninth Spoilers (Locked Tomb Trilogy), Multi, Other, Post-Gideon the Ninth (Locked Tomb Trilogy)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26534854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChillyWeirdoInACoffin/pseuds/ChillyWeirdoInACoffin
Summary: When you've had a long day of sword fighting practice, and just want to go home to your room. But encounter an Eldritch terror, previously unknown to any Cavalier.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	Emperor John Gaius' Dummy Thicc Butt (The Musical)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Shia LaBeouf](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/686524) by Rob Cantor. 



> This linguistic atrocity was inspired by a bizarre late night discussion about cannibalism on The People's Tomb Discord server. The Rob Cantor ft. The Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles x Necrolord Prime, Emperor John Gaius mashup no one ever asked for. 
> 
> Please see "Shia LaBeouf" By Rob Cantor on youtube, for additional understanding.  
> Also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shia_LaBeouf_(song)

You're walking in the Mithraeum  
There's no one around and your necromancer's gone  
Out of the corner of your eye you spot it:  
Emperor John Gaius' Dummy Thicc Butt.

It's following you, about 30 feet back  
It gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint  
It's gaining on you  
John Gaius's Dummy Thicc Butt

You're looking for a sword but you're all turned around  
It's almost upon you now  
And you can see there's blood on its cheeks.  
My God, there's blood everywhere!

Running for you life (from John Gaius' Butt)  
It's brandishing a knife (It's John Gaius' Butt)  
Lurking in the shadows  
Mithraeum Superstar John Gaius' Butt

Living in a space shuttle (John Gaius' Butt)  
Killing for sport (John Gaius' Butt)  
Eating all the bodies  
Actual cannibal John Gaius' Butt

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost it  
But you're hopelessly lost yourself  
Stranded with a murdering ass  
You creep silently through the Mithraeum

Aha! In the distance  
A small bedroom with a light on  
Hope! You move stealthily toward it  
But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a herald trap!

Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet)  
Limping to the bedroom (Quiet, quiet)  
Now you're on the doorstep  
Sitting inside: John Gaius' Butt

Sharpening a rapier (John Gaius' Butt)  
But it doesn't hear you enter (John Gaius' Butt)  
You're sneaking up behind it  
Strangling Mithraeum Superstar John Gaius' Butt

Fighting for your life with John Gaius' Butt  
Wrestling a sword from John Gaius' Butt  
Stab it in its kidney  
Safe at last from John Gaius' Butt

You limp into the dark hallway  
Blood oozing from your stump leg  
But you have won; you have beaten  
John Gaius' Butt

Wait! It isn't dead (Thicc surprise)  
There's a bone fragment to your head and death in its butt-eyes  
But you're a cavalier  
Body slam Mithraeum Superstar John Gaius' Butt

Legendary fight with John Gaius' Butt  
Normal Tuesday night for John Gaius' Butt  
You try to swing a sword at John Gaius' Butt  
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg

It's dodging every strike, it parries to the left  
You counter to the right, you catch it in the neck  
You're chopping off its head now  
You have just decapitated John Gaius' Butt

Its butt-head topples to the floor, expressionless  
You fall to your knees and catch your breath  
You're finally safe from Emperor John Gaius' Dummy Thicc Butt .


End file.
